It Won’t Come Off by Amanda McLeod

trigger warning: sexual assault and self-harm

scrubbing scrubbing trying to get it all off. cleanliness is next to godliness they say but i feel neither cleanly or godly because no matter how hard i scrub i can’t seem to get it off. everything needs to be perfect and clean perfectly clean. i felt so dirty and everything felt dirty since that night so I make it better by scrubbing it all clean except this time it’s not working. it won’t come off i can’t get it clean and i can still see it like it’s right here in front of me and it’s making my lungs tight and i hate the pressure so i keep scrubbing. i just want the voices to be quiet and tonight they stopped i made them stop. now i just have to scrub it all away make it all shining and clean and cleanly and godly again. now i am scrubbing scrubbing scrubbing but it’s not working and i look down at everything i wish i couldn’t see it’s all still there and it won’t come off it’s everywhere and no matter what i do i can’t get it off it won’t come off it won’t come off it won’t come off

*previously published with vessel press
Amanda McLeod is an Australian author of fiction and poetry. She revels in good books, warm weather, and rain. You can read her words at Ellipsis Zine, Vamp Cat Magazine, Anti-Heroin Chic, and other places; and she tweets about literary things @AmandaMWrites

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